Journey

We all have a journey to full fill don’t we? Each is specific for the person. I’m discovering my journey wasn’t meant to be easy.

Normally my favorite subject is photography but this one is a little different. Let me start from the beginning. I met my husband 22 years ago this past week. I really didn’t think much about him at first. I wasn’t even twenty-one yet and I was in my slutty period of my life. It only lasted a few months but I quickly realized that type of lifestyle wasn’t met for me. I was engaged to a guy who was in the Marine Corp. We’d been dating since we were 17. He was my first in every sense of the word. We’d broken up several times and during one of those break ups he had decided to join the Marines. About a year after that was when we decided to get married. I knew deep down we weren’t going to marry. We fought all the time, we didn’t trust one another ( I would later find out with good reason) we just weren’t meant to be together. I was “alone” (I lived with my parents) and bored so my married foreman took an interest in me. So one thing led to another and eventually an affair began. I have very few regrets in my life, after all, all the mistakes I made created the person I am today, however that was one of my regrets. Not only did he have a wife, he also had 2 children, the youngest being only a few months old when we began the affair. If I could take back any of my mistakes, that would be the first one on my list. Anyway, we also had a supervisor who took an interest in me, (the foreman and supervisor were friends by the way and they got my future husband his job) we had already had a little bit of a past together, so we had a fling-see why I call it my slutty period. Anyway by the time I got to know my future husband a little bit my fiancee and I had broken up and me and my supervisor had already drifted apart. The only one that was left was the foreman but he was already eyeing my best friend. I knew there wouldn’t be a solid relationship between him and I, I couldn’t trust him. I stupidly told him I would wait for him (thinking he would divorce his wife). I waited about 2 weeks. That around the time my husband asked me out. That was it. After two dates I was in love with him.

Wait, did I forget to tell you a very important detail? My husband had full-time custody of his 4 (count them 4) children. He had a ten year old daughter, 8 year old son and twin daughter who had just turned 7. Many people thought I was crazy. Sometimes I wondered myself. But he was a responsible man, he cooked, cleaned and loved (and still loves) his kids. Yes he came with a whole set of baggage, but it was worth it.

Over the next twenty-two years (almost) we had our shares of ups and downs, money issues ( a constant), death, teenage pregnancy, attempted suicide, boy issues, drug addiction, birth (of our own daughter) and last year around this very time, my husbands heart attack. He smoked and had stress issues at work. He never had issues with blood pressure (usually it was 70 over 50 -yes it really was, I was always concerned he was going into a coma) and his cholesterol was always decent. It was that damn smoking and issues at work. He had what was called the widow maker. He survived it but everything changed. Reflecting now on the past year some obvious things have changed. Physically he can’t do what he used to, he’s trying, he’s getting stronger, but it ain’t what it used to be. He’s become more emotional, the doctors tell you that would happen and it has for him. I would have never believed it, if I hadn’t seen it myself. The doctor who did his procedure (heart catheterization) told me he would always be a heart patient. For the next year we discovered exactly what our wonderful insurance would cover (somethings but not everything). We went to the emergency room 3 times because we thought he was having issues again. Sometimes he’s extremely tired, other times he’d push to far and end up having to rest the next day. He had to learn about his body all over again.

The hardest part for me as a spouse was (and is) to see him struggle with all this. I didn’t know what to say or do to make him feel better. All I could do was comfort him the best way I knew how. My daughter has been great. She’s only 13 but she wise beyond her years (the hormones have quite kicked in all the way yet).

I knew this was a possibility as far as my husband getting sick before me. He’s nine years older than me. I just thought we would be a little older than this. I really didn’t become a grown-up until this happened. It forced me in to thinking about things differently.  I realized I needed to appreciate my family and friends more and to cherish life. I’m still learning that everyday and trying to focus my energies in different ways.

The journey is continuing. And will continue to the end

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